I was tortured by a Korean woman today.
A friend brought me to a Korean spa this afternoon but it was members only and we weren’t members. But if you got a treatment or a massage, you could get in for $15. We were already there so I signed up for a Shiatsu massage.
The spa was fine. Lots of Korean women walking around naked. My friend walking around naked. Me walking around naked. I was in the locker room happily Facebooking our location when a diminutive woman called my number. 83? I followed her into the massage room. And that’s where all hell broke loose.
First of all, I was massaged through a sheet the whole time, which was a little weird. But okay, she’s a germaphobe. I’m going to say she was from North Korea and had a major chip on her shoulder against Americans because oh sweet Jesus, once she started working my muscles… I wanted to die of pain. Now, I’m no pussy, but there’s a limit. And I’m too proud to complain.
Shoulders were fine, go deep, but then she started working my ass and hips. Fuck me with a sledgehammer, it hurt like a bitch!!! I mean, I had no idea that my muscles were so tight or that I even had muscles couched in all that hip flab. I can confidently say, yes, there are muscles in the hip flab that shouldn’t be touched by anyone.
Then I looked behind me. This woman was STANDING on me. This whole massage was being done with her feet. She was hanging from some bar like a sex kitten and walking all over me. Now, the two husbands were kind of emotionally abusive, but I’ve never paid either of them to torture me for $60..
It hurt so much my nose was running and when I got back to the locker room, my contacts were fuzzy from the tears. My body is throbbing and not in a good way. I’m sure I’m going to be bruised tomorrow. And finally, no one in the spa trimmed their bush. Not that I was looking, I’m just saying.
Moral of the story, before going for a Korean massage, learn how to say jag-eun laiteo , jebal. (a little lighter, please).